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Lets see what went down once they reached the postseason JESUS H. CHRIST Dats gotta hoit Anyway, thats placebo QB Matt Moore, who was subbing for nominal starter Ryan Tannehill after Tannehill tore his ACL. As you know already, Tannehill tore that same ligament in a new place during the preseason and is already gone for the rest of 2. Between Tannehills injuries and Moore having his brain atomized, the Dolphins are arguably much crueler to their own quarterbacks than they are to those of the opposition. Your coach Oh look, its offensive guru and Guy who got a job in the SNL writers room because Dad is a billionaire Adam GaseHoneymoons over, Gasey You may have coasted into second place last year thanks to second helpings of the Jets and Bills, but now your QB is gone and you had to go begging and pleading for this Your quarterback HES BACK But Im using my whole ass Yes, Miami, time for you to drink in the full Jay Cutler experience. Watch in wonder as he takes five minutes to get from the sideline to the huddleGaze in awe as he throws the ball at the turf the second he senses his pass protection has broken down Marvel at his furious need to be intercepted Its all yours for six weeks before he goes down with a vague injury to his pointing finger and stays home to collect checks. Make sure your children are vaccinated for mumps and rubella Heres a man who has publicly admitted hes in lousy shape and only took the job because his wife made him do it. This is why its breathtakingly nave to assume that Gase can magically conjure the Cutler of 2. AND his TDs, by the way and had the best passer rating of his career. If youre a Dolphins fan who is currently in denialand really, denial tends to be your resting stateyou can look at Cutlers career numbers and Tannehills numbers and note that theres very little dropoff, if any, between the two. Cutler is Tannehill Tannehill is Cutler THATS NOT ENCOURAGING. Its not encouraging when the dude whos supposed to be your franchise QB cant post better numbers than the fat naked guy this team had to pull off the street to replace him. Its not encouraging when Tannehill has all the pocket awareness of a man stricken blind 1. Look at the Dolphins before they were in supposed crisis mode Cutler isnt the only reason you are fucked, people. Hes merely a symptom of a greater disease, a disease to which he has not been immunized. Whats new that sucks Uhhhh, Jarvis Landry is being investigated for battery, so thats fun. Then he tweeted about the preseason being bullshit, and then there was this I feel like Dolphins PR purposely leaked that Dolphins PR didnt force Landry to shut up about his tweet because Dolphins PR DID force Landry to shut up about his tweet. Jordon Cameron retired before he could suffer his 9. The team also brought in aging linebacker Lawrence Timmons and tight end Julius Thomas, whose career trajectory after leaving Peyton Manning is a steeper drop than El Capitan. Laremy Tunsil apparently doesnt know how to exit a shower correctly. Heres a dead Dolphin What has always sucked Ndamukong Suh cannot stop kicking people. It really is amazing. He has all the self control of the President, and hes gonna get another 1. Burfict ing everyone this season. Theres no way that Miami pays to keep Suh around after this season, so I look forward to him not only burning every last bridge in Miami this season, but also stomping on the ashes when he thinks no one is looking. Also, Jay Ajayi is gonna suck this year. I know it. I can feel it in my loins. No good Dolphins back stays good. After one good year, all of them transform into late career Bernie Parmalee. As for this teams fans is anyone intimidated by a Dolphins fan, ever Look at this group of tubby boat captains get into a fight in the stands. Every NFL Sunday, every sports bar on Earth has exactly one Dolphins fan sitting in it, wearing a Marino jersey, looking around for other Miami fans like hes been frozen out at the school cafeteria. They are the two dollar bill of the sports bar crowd. Lemme tell you something, sad Dolphins fan at the bar No one else is coming. Its just you. You get to watch Cutler wing it to the Gatorade cooler on third and 1. Stephen Ross is Americas most pathetic social climber. That one Hootie song is god awful. Did you know The Dolphins most famous thing in the last 2. Ace Ventura. For everyone around my age, that is basically the only remotely positive connotation the Dolphins have. By the way, this team DID have a live Dolphin mascot in a stadium fish tank back in the 1. What a bunch of cheap shitbags. I DEMAND REAL DOLPHINS AND I DEMAND THEY KICK FIELD GOALS WITH THEIR LITTLE DOLPHIN FLIPPERS. Tell me attendance doesnt triple if that happens. WHO SAYS NO What might not suck Honestly Cutlers got a quality butt. Id be proud to have that butt. HEAR IT FROM DOLPHINS FANS Matt Jay Cutler. Chris Ive been begging for the releasedisappearance of Tannehill for years and boy did that become the biggest monkey paw wish in history. Albert Jay Cutler had his best season under offensive co ordinator Adam Gaseooks up 2. Chicago Bears. 6 1. NFC North. Looks up how the Dolphins did following last playoff appearance 2. AFC East. Looking forward to it. Tyler A month ago I would have said its because Ryan Tannehill was somehow approaching his fourth straight make or break season, which made no sense. Maybe would have added a joke about how Tannehill couldnt even fully tear his ACL. Ha ha ha Except. Now I would seriously give anything to go back to that situation. Eric The Dolphins suck because somehow I consider beating the Jets and going 1 1 against the Bills a successful season. Chris One time I called Randy Mc. Michael Chris Chambers to his face by accident, so Im probably a racist. David We took John Beck, Chad Henne, and Pat White in consecutive drafts. Brent Cant wait for Brady and Belichick to retire so we can get pummeled in the first round of the playoffs every two years instead of every eight years. Michael Somehow, last year was the first year in as long as I can remember that the Dolphins didnt do something inherently embarrassing to draw my ire, even going as far as making the playoffs Fast forward to now and I feel like Jay Cutlers face looks. Steve Me to Dad So did you see that the Dolphins signed Jay Cutler Dad Yeah I saw that. Mom Who has never watched an NFL game but has overheard my Dolphins lamentations for years Doesnt he suck Me Youre thinking of Jay Fiedler. David The Dolphins are like watching an old lady try to save her lap dog from running into traffic and subsequently getting creamed by a semi. This team is a graveyard. Lewis I grew up relatively close to New Orleans rural Mississippi and lived eight of the past 1. San Diego County.